New Year's Resolutions (Part 1)

Thing's I will Never Do

By Mae West

(Undated)

1. Take another woman's man. Not intentionally, that is. Even thought all;s fair in love and war and it ain't no sin.

2. Try to be anyting but myself at all times, publicly and privately, except on the stage or screen, for that's where acting belongs.

3. Cook, bake, sew, wash dishes, peel potatoes, eat onions, or bite my nails.

4. Wear white cotton stockings or join a nudist colony.

5. Like opera, number thirteen, yodelling, cold spaghetti, rats, snails, men who shave their necks, or over-ripe banana's.

6. Care for people who whistle in dressing rooms or checks that bounce as high a the stratosphere.

7. Play mother parts, sad parts, dumb parts, or a virtuous wife, betrayed or otherwise. I pity weak women, good or bad, but I can't like them. A woman should be strong either in her goodness or badness.

8. Go nuts about classical music, sandwiches, cigar smoke, places that smell like hospitals, and black nail polish.

9. Get excited over night clubs, contract bridge, fan dancing, bobby sox, the stock market, badminton, or bust developers.

10. Be thrilled to death by orchids, anonymous love letters, souvenir postcard folders, earthquakes, slave bracelets, or beds with hard mattresses.

11. Be bothered by Scotch money-lenders or boys who lisp.

12. Believe the worst about anybody without complete proof nor will I believe that it's useless to struggle against so-called Fate-the phony!

13. Walk when I can sit, or sit when i can recline. I believe in saving my energy - for important things.

14. Write a story that is unsophisticated, because I believe that innocence is as innocent doesn't.

15. Marry a man who is too handsome, a man who drinks to excess or doesn't carry his liquor like a gentleman,, a man who is easy to get, easily led into temptation-unless I do the leading.

As printed in Mae West "it ain't no sin" by Simon Louvish